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Forever_Beautiful
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Name: Carol
Country: United States
State: Ohio
Birthday: 9/2/1985
Gender: Female
Interests: JESUS!!! hanging out with my friends, sleeping, driving around with my sis blasting TBS, playing soccer, CRU, God, and trying to be a college student even with the added pressures of everyday life. . .oh and GO ROCKETS!
Expertise: sleeping, dreaming (both day and night), talking, reading, acting tougher than i am, picking fights with guys a foot taller than me, talking, soccer, flippin out, crying, being emotional, smiling, drinking water, did i mention sleeping? haha and living life for my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ!
Occupation: Student
Industry: Hospitality
Message: message me
Website: visit my website
AIM:  soccerchica9285
Member Since:
1/7/2004
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| I graduate today. . .in like 8 hours. . .im done with college.
i will be a real person and have to live in the real world and get a real job
weird.
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| have u ever been in a group of people and been apart of the conversation and "had fun" and yet felt so out of place and so not apart of whatever was going on? have u ever just felt so fake?? ive been experiencing that a lot lately. . .just this feeling of almost impatience and discontentedness. ill be hanging out with people and think i should be having a good time, when honestly part of me wants to just walk out of the room and do my own thing, or go somewhere and cry. i get this thought in the back of my head like what am i doing right now. . .you're really not having fun, this isn't you. . .and i stress out about stupid crap. i just wish sometimes that i didn't worry about things and that life just had a way of working itself out and that i was just along for the ride. OH. ..WAIT. . .that IS how life is when you put your faith in God and follow Him. but unfortunately, we always tend to screw that one up because we go ahead and do our own things and think that we know what's going on.
tonight was a fun night, but now that im sitting here i feel so drained, so much like im pretending to be someone im not. i feel like ive been running in circles and i don't know where or how the end is supposed to come or be. i should be so pumped to graduate, but im scared out of my mind. it's like this door has been opened and i go to walk through and instead of finding sturdy ground to walk on, im free falling with no end in sight.
im leaving for Rome two weeks from tomorrow and my support has pretty much stopped coming in. i still need about 2800 dollars and i want to trust God so much that He will provide for me, but then the question comes up. . .what if the money doesn't come in?? that's true trust for you isn't it? i know that Satan likes to attack me and make me believe all these lies in my head. . .but what about those times when you're so sick of fighting this upward battle and all you want to do is throw your hands up in frustration and walk away. . .what about those times where you just want to give up, where you just want to curl up in a ball and cry and wish your life made a little more sense. where you're so sick and tired of this bitterness and hurt and frustration building up inside you and where you long to be close to God, you long to spend time with Him, you long to trust Him. . .to take into account your own words that you spoke to over 200 people from what you've learned in college and turn around and apply those things to God. that you will trust Him, that He will provide, that He is good, that we already know the end of the story.
then there's the human flesh side of you that just wants that person, you know who im talking about, that one person who sees you as more amazing than any other human on the planet, to just come up and envelope you in their arms and tell you everything is gonna be ok and that they will just sit there and cuddle with you and make you feel safe. i mean if all else fails, i get to see my dad in two days.
i want a letter from God the day after i graduate telling me what im doing with my life. . .probably not very realistic. . .but is it too much to ask for a little guidance for my life before i leave for Rome in a few weeks??
i desire and long for so much more than this life im living now. . .i want Jesus in the truest sense of the word. I want to know Him and be transformed by Him and experience radical change in my life. i want to stand in the desert and watch the sunrise over the mountains with no one around and realize that yes, this, this is what life is about. it's not the next big material thing or what happened yesterday, or what will happen tomorrow. it's about me and God. .in that moment, standing in utter reverence and amazement and worship of my Almighty Creator. that is what i want | | |
| right now i should be diligently working on applications so that i can figure out a job for next year, but im not. i took a nap when i got home from church and now im on here.
if anyone would like to figure out my life for me that would be great. k thanks. bye
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| i don't even know if anyone reads this anymore, but i feel like im back from my xanga hiatus and am beginning to realize how much i have missed being able to just sit down at my computer and write what is on my mind. it is such a beautiful thing to have the freedom to express ur thoughts and opinions on this and be able to type so fast so that ur hand doesn't cramp up from writing.
i graduate in three weeks and a day. . .i go to rome in a little over a month. . .then ive got nothing.
it's the craziest thing thinking about life after college. all throughout college i was counting down the semesters until i would be done. i still remember when i first switched to education i was like, "only six more semesters, that seems so long away." and now it's three weeks away and i have no idea where all the time went. i feel like ive been waiting and wanting and hoping for this time for so long, but now that it's so close that i can almost touch it, i want time to slow down and i don't want it to come. i mean i want to be done with school and student teaching, but im not ready for that next step, for that next phase of my life. i feel this pressure that i need to know what im doing, i need to have my life figured out, but in reality i don't. . but i would like some hint as to what ill be doing in june.
this past monday was the job fair and i went to it, i had an interview with perrysburg middle school as well as three schools in north carolina, random i know, but im keeping my options open. then i started thinking about moving to north carolina and for about a day i was really excited, but then i woke up the next morning and thought that i just really don't want to move. now i don't know if that's truth or if it's just fear of the unknown. ..it might just be a mixture of both. and it sucks to live in fear, to be scared of the future, that you might fail, but i think that a lot of people can agree that life and change is scary because u don't always know what's gonna happen or how things will turn out. but i guess that's just what's so cool about God and about faith. that He does know and we can trust in that. but it sure doesn't make things any easier. what i would love to have happen is the day after graduation to have a note that says "Dear Carol, this is what i want u to do and where i want u to go. . . love, God" yeah, like that will really happen. but it would be cool if it did.
im sleep deprived and a little sad. . .so im gonna work on the whole sleep thing. :)
Romans 12:2
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| So in approximately three weeks and four days I graduate from Toledo and begin the next phase of my life. . .
WHAT THE EFF?!!!
life has been crazy lately and ive been stressed out lately to no end and im trying to rest in God and know that He's in control, but i honestly have no idea where im gonna live next year.
oh life. . .it's so funny. . .ill be back soon. . .promise :)
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